Thursday, October 8, 2009

Why I'm boiling mad

I usually don't write about when I'm upset, because I don't think it will be very good reading for anyone else, but today I need to vent.

Yesterday, Bill and I had an interview with the liason couple for our foreign exchange student.
That is why I am P.O.'d. First, I mentioned that I had had a hectic day and asked the woman how her day was, if it was busy. She replied in an arch tone, "Yes, I work ALL day long." In other words she is employed and feels that she works harder than a stay-at-home mom. Okay, I can be big. I let that pass and asked about her work. But it got worse.

This couple had taken Marion out to see a rodeo last month and talked with her. Marion had also gone to a sort of camp out at Ruidoso last month. I told Marion if she had any complaints and wasn't comfortable telling us, to tell the AFS people.

At first the couple just asked us how things were going and we said "Great!"; Marion is a jewel-a darling girl. But, we told them we thought she was experiencing depression lately and it was to be expected as the handbook told us there would be peaks and valleys and she was in a valley. We told them we had invited our daughter's boyfriend over to cheer her up, as he has become a friend. He brought another boy with him who came over to ask Marion to the homecoming dance, and Marion was very excited about that.

Then they began telling us of things that Marion had told them she was not happy about. One was religion. Our practicing our religion makes her uncomfortable. She doesn't believe in God. We were confused by that because we not only didn't force her to participate in family prayer, scripture study, family home evening, or church; we don't even ASK her. Sometimes she has been in the room and when we invited everyone to join us she came but didn't kneel or close her eyes. We were fine with that. Anyway, I told her after we came back, that she was not obligated to do even that, that she could simply leave the room.

Next: She is bored. She doesn't want to stay in her room and do nothing. Okay, well, I have told her she needs to extend herself and make friends. We are pretty boring, but when we do anything, we invite her. Sometimes she comes, sometimes she doesn't. What I tell my children is that, "Only boring people are bored. Find something to do." I haven't told her that. I know it's hard being in a strange country and not really having friends. I've actually been there and done that. But, like I said, you have to reach out. No one is going to do it for you.

Finally, at home she was used to family meals every night. She has a point. We always sit down together on Sunday, but during the week I average 3-4 nights of home cooked meals and we sit down to those, but the rest are either take-out or restaurants. With volleyball games two and three times a week, I find it hard to cook everynight. I would like to do better and plan ahead.

So, the reason why I'm boiling mad is not that Marion had complaints. I am glad she confided in someone and we can try to make some changes to help her and encourage her to help herself in making friends. The reason is the patronization of the woman liason. She told me, "I know when our (two) children were younger (they're both grown and gone from home) it was busy, but I always made sure we had dinner together. I had to leave abruptly to pick Chelsea and her friend up from volleyball practice, so I said, "You know, I want to make this work, but if Marion is too unhappy, maybe she would be better off placed with a non-religious family who do more fun things."

I felt like crying when I left. How dare this woman-who had TWO children- make judgements about my life. She has no idea what it is to mother six children, much less nine children, three daughter-in-laws, four grandchildren, two dogs and a husband who works all the time. I felt like crying last night, but I'm angry today.

I know I need to forgive this lady. She was trying to do her "job", and just had certain prejudices about SAHM's. I can accept that. I just hate the intrusive part of having a foreign exchange student. It started before she came and I almost backed out because of it, but I decided to stick it out. She's wonderful and we are very happy to have her in our family. Every family has issues they have to work out and I believe we can do this. But, the idea of meeting with this liason couple every month sticks in my craw.

6 comments:

Courtney said...

wow. that's unbelievable! i would be boiling mad too! i'm so sorry you have to deal with this person! :(

for what it's worth, i think you are an absolutely wonderful mother. i'm amazed at your strength and capacity for loving & caring for your family. i can't think of a harder, busier job than yours!

we love you so much! thank you for being there for us.

Luvmy9 said...

Thanks, Courtney. That means so much to me!

Mom2my10 @ 11th Heaven said...

Ah, Courtney is so sweet!

Elaine, ARGGHHH! I know I should tell you to forgive and do what Jesus would do, but I'm mad now, too! I am so sorry that you are going to have to be dealing with this woman. I hate, hate, HATE being judged like that, and it happens all too often with families like ours, large, religious, "not fun"!

For the record, yours is one of the most fun families I know. That's why I love to hang out with you! Who could say that Bill and Michael aren't fun anyway? I just don't get it.

It's funny what you tell you kids about bored people being boring people. My dad always used to say the same thing! But I just thought it was because he was weird!

Good luck and I love and miss you!

Luvmy9 said...

Thanks, Jen. I am trying to decide whether or not to write this woman a letter. I'll wait until after church tomorrow. Maybe I will have mellowed some. But I wish I could tell you how she talked about the religion part, too. It was all so patronizing and infuriating. I left feeling like a failure, but after sleeping on it, I was infuriated.
I miss you, too. I love reading your blog as I feel I am still a little part of your life as I read what you are doing. But, there's no interchange so that's a bummer. I can't wish you were here. You're right where you should be, and I can't wish I was there either, so I'll just be glad for the time we did have to be together, and look forward to your next long visit.

Emme said...

i definitely agree with courtney. from what i can tell you're an awesome mom, wife and woman! whenever i feel weak or insecure i think of you and what you would do in the situation and i immediately feel stronger:) i'm very impressed that you're able to do all you do.

Luvmy9 said...

Emme,
That's so sweet. I'm humbled that you would consider what I would do as a guide. I would have responded before but I just now saw that I had another comment.
I miss you. I hope all is going well with you and that you're on the right path.